It is so frustrating to communicate upset feelings delicately and composed just to have them trivialized and invalidated by a partner.
Even if what the other person is saying doesn't make immediate sense to you, it is part of a committed relationship to attempt to understand where the other person is coming from, even if it doesn't make immediate sense to you. At the very least to acknowledge the feelings exist.
I basically received the equivalent of a pat on the head (like a dog) and a sarcastic, like I am putting on a song and dance for attention. No.
And for a man who so emphatically expresses not being respected or heard by his bandmates when there is an issue with his music project, and the ensuing frustration of being ignored...that there would be some recognition.
I already feel like I am walking on eggshells in an environment where tension manifests through actions and the absence of actions in a man's world. Internal sighing and waiting for moods to pass, plenty of time for speculation. But here's the kicker: I don't make assumptions or accusations, I ask open-ended questions.
I don't say, "*You're* doing this or being that way."
I will state a fact. (This happened. Are you feeling angry at me or no?) Not, "you're acting like a toddler in a huff, lolwtf."
Effective communication is important to me. I know that unspoken feelings fester into resentment so I try to air them within a reasonable time period of their inception. I don't think that's silly or unreasonable!
So, to avoid making a lovefool of myself on the book of faces, I need a place I can fangirl about my crush without shame. So, a new guy showed up to the karaoke contest a few weeks ago. Tall-ish, lean muscular build, gray waffle henley and beanie. If he were a cartoon character, that's what he would be wearing. He seems shy at a glance, but the man can sing like he owns the stage. I love his 90s alt rock selections and genuineness. I've heard good singers before, but when someone really means what they're saying (or singing), there's something extra captivating about it. Probably why he won the contest. He's been coming around about once a week for a while and then heading out since he works early mornings (=oP) There's something about him, besides being humble and talented and endearing. When we're talking, the gaze seems to linger. His eyes are hazel or brown, or somewhere in-between. At any rate, when he looks at me I know he is looking into my soul with genuine intrigue. The second time I saw him, he grasped at my shirt tail and it was simple but the touch barrier was broken. The next thing you know, we're dancing and talking but for the first time in a long time, more is being communicated between the words. He asked me out via text, and has made some suggestions about karaoke collaborations between the two of us. I am feeling very cautious because the last few guys I've been interested in just ghosted on me after getting me in bed. I feel leery but not hardened by my past experiences. I know it's not fair to expect the same intentions and behaviors from everyone. Yes, I'm lonely and starved for affection, but I really think he likes me and this could be something real and special. In the back of my mind, the warning signs are blaring to not have expectations, to not get excited, and if I feel it to not let it show. But I also know that being closed off will never allow something real to blossom. Since Jarrod, I have looked so 'long and regretfully' at the closed door - I truly believed that I would never love again. I haven't yet. (Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy?) I hope it's not too late for me.
- Current Mood:mildly excited
- Current Music:Rascal Flatts - Secret Smile
- Current Mood: listless
So, if I didn't mention how I got to WA, my best friend Amber used to work with me in Alabama; she moved just as suddenly from her hometown to the new land of Alabama as I would to Washington a few short years later. So, we became friends in a sort of non-traditional way...before I ever met her in person, I saw her name in an email as a top salesperson at our commission-based workplace. I felt at once both intrigued and slightly threatened. So, me being the curious cat that I am, set out to find her among the 300+ agents in our call center. I figured out whose team she was on, and casually strolled by the area during breaks and lunches. I wanted to hear what she was saying to customers. At the very least, I could learn some new techniques, right?
Well, as soon as I heard her voice I knew I had been out-performed by the simplicity of sex appeal. Amber is an attractive girl, but she also has what I call a bedroom voice; sweet, high-pitched. It also helps that she is genuinely sweet to everyone, whether they deserve it or not. She would treat a common criminal with the same courtesy and demeanor as she would a small child or dog. She's a sweetheart.
So, I don't remember how I broached the subject but I introduced myself to her. I explained to her that sometimes I would be on a phone call for 15 minutes before being able to close a sale and I heard her do it in under 3 minutes sometimes, just by asking for the business. I am more methodical; I build rapport, trust, demonstrate competence, then introduce features and benefits and how they will meet that client's specific needs. Ask open-ended questions, overcome objections, etc. etc. etc. I worked hard to get to the top in this field; it's not easy to do. Well, it was for her. But this was all part of her magic, her mystery, her charm.
Amber is the type of person who will be loyal before she even knows the character of the person for whom she is giving her pearls. (Wisdom, love, resources, attention, affection, etc.) So, as a result...she has sometimes found herself in hot water before she knew what hit her. When she was talking about moving to Texas to live with on a goat farm with a guy she met in Texas...whose only photo was of Chucky the Doll, I knew I needed to intervene!
Oh em gee,
I don't even know what to say in this other than that this is a site I used infrequently when I was about 15-19. I am 30 now,
This is my circus, these are my monkeys. Say hello, monkeys.
Ok, so. Where should we begin? I have been through a natural disaster (Hurricane Katrina, 2005 - I was 19),An eight-year heartbreak with a man I committed to love until the end. I never dreamed in the end it would be him who pushed me away. It wasn't his fault; I understand. When we got together, he told me he had a non-cancerous tumor on part of his brain. It didn't manifest into any cognitive or behavioral complications until a few years later. At which time, he began seizing, had to take anti-psychotic/anti-seizural medication. Everything deteriorated rapidly from that point, most agonizingly, his memory and free-spirited, childlike sense of wonder and zest for life. He knew I had been in his life; he knew he was sexually attracted to me *and despite completely cutting me off in every other way, still sporadically hooked up with me for 3 years after we broke up* 2007-2010. I loved him so much I would have given everything I owned, been anything he needed, acquired anything that would make him smile or ease his suffering. I would have been his financial support, his nurse, his therapist. I was willing to become anything to stay in his life in some capacity. He knew I cared very deeply for him, but he also knew that he no longer cared for me. He didn't have the heart to tell me that, though. But he did "break up" with me, but he used me for what he needed from time to time. Sex, a job - I secretly held out hope that he would come back to me. I was a supervisor and sales trainer at the time - I had worked my way up in this company for 4 years.
So I got him an entry-level job. It started off we remained cordial for a while. Until his assigned cubicle was positioned directly in my line of sight, until I had to maintain composure while lecturing and leading discussions in a classroom full of people and our eyes would meet. I lost about 45lbs, I was eating nothing more than an apple, an orange and a can of soup per day.
I cried myself to sleep; I moved my cubicle...but I couldn't remove the lumps in my throat or the pains in my chest. If he was there, if he wasn't there. I wondered if he found my body more attractive this way. Then one day, I was taking a "supervisor call" in his cubicle and he just whispered to me: "You look like you're wasting away." --I was.
But he didn't know it was from the inside out. My performance at work began to suffer - I was unfocused and fighting for him when I should have been fighting for myself. I had 4 weeks of paid time off, and called in sick 15 times before March of that year. I had become a vegetarian at this point...and I found out Jarrod (I can say his name without wincing now) was banging one of our coworkers-- possibly the most obnoxious girl in the place, with fake boobs, no less. I am a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, all right. It struck a nerve.(¬_¬) ( . Y .)
Anyway, I berated him publicly that day, and resigned before I got fired. Everything I had worked for, the whole pile I had amassed during the time we were apart...set aflame and crumpled into ash before my very eyes. Looking back, I can't believe I sacrificed so much for this man, this ghost of a soul that used to inhabit a body.
♫Why does my heart make a fool out of me?♫
Jarrod and I were both agnostic, we were happy together and didn't feel a need to institute marriage. After his tumor began affecting his mind and his body, he became a born-again Christian. Within the next few years he got married, had a baby boy and moved to Florida.
I would follow suit a few short years later. I found myself working for a corporation with over 8,000 stores nationwide. I had an opportunity to move from the most backwoods, backwards, culturally-lagged by at least 20 years - state of Alabama - to what I knew from Bill Maher and alternative press, was the most progressive and liberal state in the nation,
I was amazed at how well preserved the land and water was. I was amazed by the amenities and opportunities that natives here seemed to take for granted. The brains of Washingtonians are more developed, I think in part because they are so much more oxygenated than places of waste and industry such as AL. There are streetlamps, and wildlife preserves and (well maintained and open) state parks. Mt. Rainier and the Cascades, forests, lakes, rivers, ocean. Public and clean.There is a fantastic transit system, made up of buses, trains, bike lanes, sidewalks and trails. The walking trails actually connect all the way from Olympia to the Columbia River and up through Puget Sound. (INTELLIGENT DESIGN).
The 'Evergreen State' is true to its moniker--not just because of the marijuana production
There's plant life everywhere, I mean everywhere.
Green mossy stuff even grows on concrete.
Did I mention this is a very pet and dog-friendly area? Pretty much any dog can be a certified companion animal- they go to the bank, they go to the store,
they go to the bar, the dog parks and the people parks.
There is intelligent human life here, too. Some societies, such as Olympia (nearest big city), are actually functional. Elected officials actually operate with the whole of its people in mind. Fewer politicians have been bought by big businesses. There is an air of decency wafting in from time to time. My friend and former coworker Amber told me that Washington was full of hippies.
Well, I never cared for tie-dye or fringe, but if it's a "hippie" lifestyle that includes:
sustainable energy, organic farms and food, naturopathic and holistic medical care, innovative entrepreneurs, cutting-edge technology, a great coffee joint everywhere you turn, the protection of a triple military branch location and enough non-profit programs to drastically reduce the number of hungry and impoverished citizens
...then I didn't know what I was missing beyond the cloud of
pot smoke shrouding the integrity and efficiency behind the movement!
- Technology, Education and Design are hallmarks of society here. There are 10 year olds who have learned more real-world skills and unedited history than I got through my entire high school career in Louisiana. People invest in the trifecta of mental, bodily and spiritual health and do not sacrifice any one for another. (The more highly evolved people, anyway.) From about age 14 on, I suffered from clinical depression and social anxiety. Many misdiagnoses and medications later, I finally began to find relief for my symptoms - HYPERSOMNIA (excess sleepiness - I would sleep up to 19 hrs per day, barely functioning enough to shower, feed, clothe myself and work) HOPELESSNESS, INEXPLICABLE TEARFULNESS, EMOTIONAL FATIGUE, BAD MEMORIES ON REPEAT, and NIGHTMARES. It was through a combination of therapies: CBD hemp oil to eliminate nightmares, increasing my anti-depressant medication from one SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor - basically opposing catcher's mitts with enough windpower between them to capture and transmit my happy chemicals where they needed to go in my mind and body) to a SSRI+MAOI (Mono-amine oxidase inhibitor - an older class of antidepressant), to my own independent study on talk and behavioral therapy, as well as keeping up with medical journals and advancements in the field of mental health.
I found out about a risky but potentially effective chemical reaction classified as SEROTONIN SYNDROME, and that modern medical professionals consider it a last-ditch potential cure for major or clinical depression.
This resonated with me; I had been met with a lot of adversity in my move to the brave new world of Washington; trouble with the law for Driving Under the Influence, job loss due to said legal infraction, an uncomfortable and unbalanced living situation with sycophantic roommates and the birth of their baby (who, for the record, was an unexpected angel and not at all the nightmare I envisioned her to be while my roommate was pregnant). Unlawful termination from my job, mistaken identity disqualifying me as a candidate for my next job. The hassle of dealing with court costs, intended and unintended personal and professional penalties for my DUI. A corrupt County Court and justice system. 3 trials, one criminal and 2 civil (which are still going on, actually.)I was in a high-pressure, high stress situation in my life. I knew I landed somewhere good, somewhere with the potential for growth and quality of life if I could stay here.
Unemployment is lower here than most other places in the U.S. There are a ton of headquartered businesses that employ hundreds of thousands -
Starbucks, Microsoft, Nintendo, Boeing, Amazon...to name just a few.
I've now been here 2 and a 1/2 years....the hardest years of my life thus far, but the most recent being one of the most positively life-changing years to date as well.)
We must take the bad to appreciate the good, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end, and choppy seas teach you to weather storms.
The greatest challenge has been to resist allowing the wicked ways of people in the world to harden my heart.
I have been lied about, lied to, stolen from, belittled, berated and tempted by evil. The strength of my character and convictions were churned to the surface by some agonizing experiences, but brought me closer to and good.
There is hope, as long as there is breath in your lungs, empathy in your heart and patience in your mind, there is hope. If I learn something that can spare anyone else heartache or aggravation, I will share the wealth in a heartbeat. I feel like so many people are in an unnecessary contest for recognition, power and the upper hand. They use knowledge and resources to take advantage of innocent and unsuspecting people. It is a disgusting reality that so many people can sleep at night knowing they have extorted money, time and love from other humans by way of deception. A superiority complex goeth before a fall, my friends. I am not impressed by another's health, wealth or power. I am drawn to compassion, to kindness, to those who personally sacrifice what may please them for the greater good of all. That is what impresses me, that is what I respect and the kind of energy to which I am drawn.
Fortunately, the energies surrounding me on Planet Washington are at least half good. I have met some of the most selfish, disgusting scum of the earth, but I have also met some of the most well-adjusted, kind, generous, understanding friends ever. We must take on the bad to appreciate the good. *Inhale through your nose, exhale through your nose.*
I am learning about the importance of self-care and how looking out for patient zero, or #1...is essential to being able to be a vessel for God's work in the lives of other people. I can finally say with certainty, that I am blessed and motivated to walk in the light and listen for the truth as it is revealed to both my body and mind.
I will be using this as a feeling/thought repository more often, methinks.ツ
- Current Location:United States, Washington, Lacey
- Current Mood: thankful
Get a job and save $. I'm working on that, thanks to Christy for giving me a leg up at her dad's company Alagasco. I've already divulged the DUI and passed some tests for them. Just waiting to hear back from HR. If I could transplant that job's pay ($15/hr entry) and benefits to WA that would be grand, but it will make for great savings. I need to save $400-$600 a month. So as soon as the pay starts rolling in, that'll be great. Yeahh. Just need that lady to email me or CALL ME MAYBE. I will ask her for anticipated time frames next week.
I'm also trying to become the primary caretaker for my dog, James so that he will become dependent on me and not miss my parents too terribly much when I cart him across the country. I feel kinda bad for shirking the responsibility for his care to them. I have been walking him at night and giving him his meds and dinner. I need to start walking him in the morning as well, though, and feeding him then as well. Amber is a morning person who loves dogs, so that will be helpful. :)
I am also trying to lose 40lbs by the end of the year. It's hard for some people to believe, but in the past few years I have actually gained 65 lbs! I am cutting out the coke, besides at restaurants and the movies...and going back to my lacto ovo pectesarian diet. (That means I eat milk, dairy, fish and chicken but no red meat.) I lost a bunch of weight doing that before. And more h20 and not as much milk....I know no other adult mammals drink it, so it's technically "unnatural" anyway. But I love it so. Right now I am at 184 lbs...I will let everyone know how that goes. I'm glad I kept my clothes size 8-14 to accompany me on this journey.
I guess at some point I will prioritize a meaningful job, but right now I don't care about that. For now, my main thing is becoming a stable, independent adult. I can't fuck it up any more, it's cost my parents their sanities and a lot of money as well. :B Operation: Grownup! is underway...
- Current Mood: determined